Friday, April 13, 2012

A TRAVESTY

What?!  I haven't posted in over two months?  A travesty!  Nay, a catastrophe!


Actually, the mousepad on my computer broke.  Guess what else I broke?  The FOURTH WALL.  Now you all know that my super graphic GCI stick figure genius was born from wiping my finger all over the mousepad thingie on my macbook. I know your minds are being blown right now and for that I kind of apologize.


Yes.  The secret to my success has been a free application pre-installed on my compooper and my mousepad.  There you have it.  I miss those days of uninhibited freedom to CREATE, you know?  But I consider this a challenge and a triumph of the spirit!


I will correct this, all you 17 people who read my nonsense.  Oh yes.  I will.


Meanwhile, this is what I can do:








I submit that this is THE BEST stick-figure drawring (tm Simon) of a plucky skeleton just making his way in the big city by doing the robot to "Rapper's Delight" for tips, drawn with a curiously purloined ghetto mouse (thanks my benevolent friend!) you will see all day.


If that doesn't cheer you up, this will.


See you soon, and more often, my friends! 


Paz,


Girlzilla!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

How to Kill facebook

I love/hate facebook.  Love being in touch with friends and family.  Hate checking the stupid thing periodically throughout the day to see who "likes" my most recent witty and humorous post or the photo of me picking my nose, er, doing awesome stuff.


I think I could take facebook in a jousting tournament, I would totally win because hello!  I am GIRLZILLA, therefore you need to come to the logical conclusion that I am also all joust-ery:


OR!  A voo-doo doll!  YES!!  A facebook voo-doo doll in which I shall push many pins!  MUAH HA HA HA *folding hands maniacally* 




Also, I can't keep up with the friend requests from people with whom I attended high school.  Dear Friends from High School, I am reticent to approve your request because I don't recognize you.  Your profile photo looks like this:


However, this is how I think I remember you:
I just don't recognize you without the braces, headgear, and mullet.  Oh yeah! Rocking the Camino Crash Helmet!  Kentucky Waterfall! (don't send me hatemail, Kentucky! I love your Kentucky...ness?) The 90/10!  Business in front, party in the back!  The LPGA!  (I might edit that one out although it makes me giggle, thank you Nancy Lopez). On second thought, I'm happy for you, Dude from High School, that you went all male-pattern baldness so that you no longer have the hirsute ability to offend the world with your creative hair energy.  Plus, your Mom is probably overjoyed that she no longer has to stink up the house by applying the Ogilve Home Permanent to the party side.  Oy. Remember that?  Permed mullets?  Me neither, because I buried that deep within my psyche.  *Shudder*


Actually, it's pretty fun to catch up with people I haven't seen since rotary phones and the Flock of Seagulls were actually popular (what were we ON, people?).  But I still maintain that my relationship with facebook will always be ambivalent.  On one hand, yay facebook!  Me likey!


But on the other, boo facebook!  I can't wait for you to turn into a zombie so I can shoot at you from my treehouse FORTRESS OF DOOM.






I submit that is THE BEST stick figure illustration of me killing a facebook zombie from my Treehouse Fortress of Doom you will see all day.  I'm shooting an M1 Garand, because if it's good enough to Save Private Ryan it's definitely good enough to shoot at zombie facebooks.  I do also happen to own tactical bacon, ammo and water.  


Send me a friend request if you need assistance surviving a facebook zombie apocalypse.


But I digress!  Facebook, I love you.  Wait, no.  I hate you.  It's not you it's me. Go away, closer.


See?


Paz, 


Misty

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Tito, You Faker!

This has made the rounds on facebook, but I am being lazy and I promised I would post every Wednesday so here you go!



About eleven years ago, a dear friend brought me this cute little cactus plant for a celebration housewarming type situation.  I named my cactus Tito, very excited about this new addition to the Misty Family.  I had just moved to New Mexico and my knowledge of all things of the succulent plant varieties was very narrow.  That last sentence may lead you to believe that I have since become some sort of expert, but alas you would be wrong.  Here is what I know about cacti: needles.  owie.  That sums up all my years of scientific research conducted by accidentally tripping and falling into cholla or prickly pear on trail runs.  If you ever decide to hate me (which you wouldn't, because I'm fluffy and loveable like that) all you need to do is make a Misty voodoo doll (don't forget the charismatic yet humble grin!) and stick it with cholla needles.  

So.  Tito.  In the last decade, Tito has been in New Mexico, to Montana, and back to New Mexico.  Tito has been a symbol of my ability to make something green actually LIVE!  Because I am telling you, other than leaving out an onion long enough to start shooting green spears of freedom, or stubbornly refusing to pull my weeds because I CONSIDER THAT XERISCAPING, New Mexico!  WE LIVE IN THE DESERT GIVE GREEN A CHANCE!  I have no green thumb.  I have planted flowers.  I have lovingly and interestingly speed-dated geraniums and forget-me-nots and trees at Home Depot and I have taken some home (plant sluttiness!).  I watered them, tried to figure out the right soil, fed them, sang to them, told them stories and reinforced their sense of self by giving them compliments ("your petals are so petal-y!")  -All to no avail.  I can't seem to keep anything with leaves or roots or petals alive.

Except Tito!  Tito loved being watered (...every whatever...when I remembered, see above) and even though Tito never seemed to grow much, I swear I would see an infinitesimal shift in his cactus leaves and I convinced myself that since this IS a cactus, I couldn't expect my poor little T going from a shorty to a baller overnight and that was cool with me because HE LIVES!  My proof that yes I can facilitate the life of vegetation!  I'm gonna quit my job and be a farmer!

I watered Tito.  I gave Tito Miracle Gro.  Tito has been strapped into the passenger seat of my truck more than a time or two.  He doesn't even mind my singing, and doesn't get all bitchy about the radio station (although he likes alt rock).  Tito has been sitting on my windowsill in this house for six years.  I love Tito!I HAD to keep Tito in the fam-damnly.  What if I ever need a job at a greenhouse?  Tito would totally be an awesome reference.  

Greenhouse HR Person: So, Tito, what can you tell us about Misty?  What are her strengths?

Tito: Well, hm.  She waters me when she remembers, she likes to talk to me about Star Trek and her mild obsession with Dective Stabler, and she hardly ever forgets to flush!  And she's been SUPER NICE when she gets her day pass!  She would be a great addition to your staff.

Greenhouse HR Person: Thank you Tito, and for the record, she's not getting anywhere near our staff.

(Sorry, kinda dirty but funny!  That made me giggle)


Aaaanyway.  So, this summer I'm talking away to my Moms about this and that and also accomplishing menial household tasks like remembering to give Tito his bi-annual watering.  I'm talking and she's talking and I kind of stop listening to her because I'm inspecting Tito's leaves and...


My Moms: Blah blee bloo...I'm standing there with a pineapple in each hand and the snarky clerk is asking me where I think I am going to carry the toothpaste and I'm about to show hi...Misty?  Misty?


Misty:  Mom.  MOM.


My Moms: Sweetie?  Is everything allright?  I really didn't ask him where the sun doesn't shine.  I'm kidding.


Misty: MOM.  Tito has a problem.  Are cactus leaves supposed to have seams?


So I'm still talking my Moms, but not really talking because I have become my own weather pattern.  I am being drenched in a torrential rain of my own laughter!  Definitely a situation that would call for a truck to take me to like, Shady Acres or something.


Misty: Mom.  I have something to tell you (*hiccup*) and please don't judge me.  I just realized I have been taking care of a very special cactus in my life that I just now realize, is totally fake.  I HAVE BEEN WATERING A FAKE PLANT FOR ALMOST A THIRD OF MY LIFE!  Tito and I had a connection!  That rube!  (meanwhile, I am still dying laughing)


My Moms: It might not be too late to have you evaluated for Special Needs.


TITO IS A FAKER. And I?  I am an idiot.  Yes, this is your invitation to openly mock me.  But hang on, I defend myself by my humble admission that I suck at all things green and leaf-y.  Yeah, I know, I'm still a total dork.  I am relaying this tale to you because I think it shall make you laugh.  I'm still laughing about it.  And to warn you against the evil ways of Hobby Lobby and their construct to invade the planet with plant decoys (it can happen, people!  Fake plants and zombies!  PREPARE.)


Tito, you poseur.  But I still love you :)




Thursday, November 24, 2011

Yeeeeyeah!!!

A couple of years ago, I had the most amazing vacation of my life.  It was just me and the dog, and Montana.  All four of you know I can be extremely verbose (except 17 of you because I have FOLLOWERS!  Drink the kool-aid, people!) ahem.  So I am going to try and not deliver a frame-by-frame description of why it was so awesome.  Let's just say, me and the dog and the KOA and great friends. Except holy moly!  I totally some day need to write about my sketchy KOA neighbor dude.  *SHUDDER*.


One of those friends is Dana. Dude!  This chick is off the charts!  Smart, funny, adventurous.  She is a damn mountain wildlife firefighter.  She taught in China.  She lived in Alaska.  She is one of my heroes.  Her sister, Jodi (my historical best friend EVER), is first other hero. Don't get me started on Jodi and the time we drove all over Montana BFE with a 12 pack of Keystone in the back and head-banging to "Bohemian Rhapsody" on a constant loop.  (The Day After: "Oh, my neck hurts", "yeah me too".)  Although, that's not why Jodi's my hero.  I look up to Jodi because she is very hardworking, loyal, funny, also adventurous and she cares tremendously about people; and anyone who meets her, they are sold on wanting to buy orbital real estate around Planet Jodi.  Plus, she is one of the few people, besides my sister, who can make me laugh until it hurts.  Yes I have collected fantastic people in my lifetime.  


So I'm home, back in Montana, and Dana and I are super restless.  For some reason, floating the Yellowstone in inner tubes sounds like a capital plan.  And, because I'm a Misty and she's a Dana, we decide to do it.  My cousin Ben gives us a brief on the run on which we are about to embark: "there really is only one rapid, you'll know it when you see it".


LIAR. 


Imagine, if you will, three tiny little Cheerios in a bathtub.  Of rushing water.  One of those rings has Misty. One has Dana. And one has our cooler full of refreshing drinks made of hops and stuff and junk (roped to my tube, Hello!).  Oh my gosh!  Using our hands to paddle ("DANA.  PADDLE!") away from super scary stuff and then holding hands and laughing and shouting through five foot high wave trains!


And then this happened.  Toward the end of our journey, we floated by this man and his little kid fishing from a sandbar:


Dana: (to the little kid)  "YOU ARE SO CUTE!!!"


Little Kid:  "YEEEEEYEAH!"


From that, we had a conversation (Dana is awesome at conversations about ANYTHING).  About how, whenever we receive a compliment; as grown-ups, we always try and figure out a way to throw a grenade on the happy time by putting ourselves down.  You know, it's like a compliment immediately hits the "self deprication" button.  Like, you have to convince the person saying nice things about you that you are, in fact, not that nice (but you ARE).  


We decided, whenever given a compliment, we would confirm the belief of the complimenter with "YEEEEEYEAH!!".  


For some reason, I have forgotten that moment, I forgot to be graceful and accept that people who say good things about me and to me without being a jerk.  It has been like refusing to cash a generous check they have personally written to me.  But here's the AWESOME part of this story...ready?


YEEEEEYEAH!!!!!!


PAZ!


M to the I to the S T Y


Gosh, I didn't have time to illustrate this, but I will.  I think it would be hilarious to draw me and Dana in the Yellowstone in freaking tiny little tubes.  That was crazy-cakes!  I was just thinking about this on Thanksgiving and I thought you would like this story.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Nice Jugs!

ATTENTION!  WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS DUMB AND RIDICULOUS.  AND, IT'S PG-13.  THE FOLLOWING BLOG IS NOT RECOMMENDED FOR CONSUMPTION BY IMPRESSIONABLE ANYONES.

At the nigh of this summer, I have been complimented by various and sundry individuals on my tan.  Particularly since I had been in Montana for a few days.  Montana is very populous with fair skinned creatures known as "Caucasians" and apparently my superhuman feat ability of allowing my skin to darken by the sun is cause for wonder and surprise.  Which, I totally don't understand because hello, my Gringo pals, to me glowing in the dark would be a darn keen party trick!

I am Native American and German, my skin and features definitely lend to the Native side of things.  Although I do spend an inordinate amount of time in the sunshine compared to most grown-ups, I swear I am constantly slathering myself in at least SPF 30.  SPF 50, even, which is lovingly known in my circles as "the spray t-shirt".  So, I have to openly admit here and now that I have zero to do with how dark my skin gets.  First, I recognize that I already had a head start.  Second, I'm kind of baffled why people hail and cheer "You're so dark!".  Please, I would much rather you compliment me on things of which I actually have some control.  For example:




And!


(I have no idea why I'm wearing a what looks like a tricorn hat.  Maybe I embarked on my journey from my pirate ship?  The Dread Pirate Roberts.  Yeah...that's it!  "Rodents of Unusual Size?  I don't believe they exist".  Hee.)


I had posted this previously, so sorry for the three of you who read this already.  I removed a drawring (tm Simon) that could have been interpreted as super offensive.  Happy Thanksgiving ya weirdos!  Use sunscreen!


Paz,

Misty
 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Don't You Hate When this Happens #2

























































But, I still hate when this happens.  At the movies, "Enjoy the show!", "You too!".  DER.


Okay, I have made a resolution to post every Wednesday, and that excites me and also makes me a little nervous because I already am a day late.  Please don't get me started on how many dollars short I am.  However, in my defense it would probably not surprise you at all by my admission I run on Misty time (working on this) soooo, all day today I thought it was Wednesday!  But it's not! Because tomorrow is Friday and everyone knows Friday comes after Dejanuebry.  Sorry, guys, I am working on my superpower ability to live stop by my own calendar.  How do you tell a rainbow to stop being pretty?


Peace,


Misty

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Sexy Whatever!

In honor of Halloween, I have spared you, lovely ladies, the time and effort of hunting for your Sexy Whatever costume.  I know!  You're welcome!  Forget that "Sexy Nurse" (tired!), the "Sexy Cop" (so last year!), or the "Sexy Pirate" (walk the gangplank!).  Be the life of the party with one of these hot numbers!

1.  Sexy Meth Addict!  Lethal chemical seduction at its finest!
  2.  Sexy Janitor!  NOTHING is more sexy than a big set of...keys!
 3.  Sexy Occupy Wall Street Protester!  Opinions are HOT.  All you need is a Sharpie, a piece of cardboard and a raging case of ennui.
  4.  Sexy Lunch Lady!  Sloppy Joes are practically an aphrodisiac!
 5.  Sexy Darth Vader!  Your friends would be unwise to lower their defenses to your Dark Side!
Hey-Suess.  That one cracked me up.  You have no idea how much fun I have drawing out my dumb imagination!  Have a safe and happy Halloween, sexy Readers!  

Misty